Memories Of The One Wearing The Trench Coat
by SadBlackPanda
Summary: Did Castiel ever visit Dean during Dean's year with Lisa and Ben?


_He didn't ask you to stay. So you left. You said you were needed somewhere else just to comfort yourself, and probably to show him that it's okay. To go to Lisa. Of course that was a lie. All you wanted was to tell him not to leave. Just a word from him, and I would've stayed. But all you get is a nod as a good-bye._

Dean have to admit, life's cozy right now. No demons, no werewofls, no wendigos, no angels. _No problems_. His life with Lisa and Ben is nice. Morning sex with Lisa on a lazy Sunday noon, and teaching to Ben how to fix cars. Isn't this all he had been dreaming of? Nice and comfortable apple pie life with a big house, a white fence and a apple tree. All he's missing is a dog.

And still Dean feels _empty_.

Dean really haven't talked about the Apocalypse with Lisa. She probably wouldn't understand. He told her he lost everything and need someone right now. And Dean will be forever grateful that she agreed to be that someone.

Most of the time it's enough. Having their own little family, Dean, Lisa and Ben.

But every now and then, the hole inside him would grow bigger. The hole _I-just-lost-my-brother-and-my-father-figure-and-my-only-friend-I've-had-besides-family_. Yes, that's a pretty long name for an imaginary hole, but Dean thinks it's pretty accurate. Besides, Sam was the one who had always been better with these things, talking about feelings and naming them. He was always the smarter one.

And every now and then, Dean feels like calling for Cas.

This particular Thursday have been rough. Luckily, Dean knows how to deal with rough. He'll buy a six pack of beer, even though he knows Lisa hates it, and drink it all and get drunk, even though he knows he's supposed to work tomorrow. Right now, he really doesn't care. All he wants is to forget he ever had anything called _feelings_.

Half way through his sixth beer Dean finds himself praying. Not for God, of course, but for Castiel.

"Oh mighty Cas and his feathery ass in Heaven, please hear my prayer," Dean starts mockingly and you can clearly hear his drunken state from his voice. "I really hate to admit this, but..."

Dean's staring at the ceiling, waiting for an aswer, some kind of sign.

"I miss you," he whispers, filling the quiet living room. "There. I said it. Just... I want to see you."

But all he can hear is Ben snoring and Lisa shifting in bed. No fluttering wings. No Cas. _No nothing._

"Son of a bitch," is all Dean mutters before falling asleep on the couch.

It's not that that Castiel doesn't want to see Dean. Quite on the contrary. It's just... He doesn't want Dean to see him. He knows what that would result. Dean would ask how things are in Heaven, and Castiel knows he couldn't lie. Not to Dean. And he would tell of the Civil War, how Raphael wants to bring up the Apocalypse all over again, that he raised Sam from the Pit but Sam just walked away, and how Cas misses it all. How he misses Dean. And Dean would just say "Yes, I'll help you."

This is why Castiel waits until Dean has fallen asleep.

This isn't the first time Cas comes to see Dean. Not the first nor the last.

And Cas whispers enochian prayers to Dean's ear, stroaking his short hair that Lisa cut just yesterday. Dean shivers, and Castiel isn't sure if it's because of the cool October air or his touch. For what ever reason it is, Cas undresses his trench coat and covers Dean with it. Feeling the warmth of the coat, Dean clenches to it, wrapping it around himself. And Castiel just smiles, carefully cupping Dean's face, to make sure no nightmare will invade his dreams. Not tonight.

"Sleep tight, you brave hunter," Castiel whispers into the cool air. And Dean smiles. He actually smiles. Not because of Castiel's words - _of course not _- he's asleep. He can't hear him. But now Cas can assure that no nightmares are disturbing Dean's sleep. Cas could take a brief glimpse of what Dean's dreaming about, but he won't. No. He'll just smile and whisper "sweet dreams."

And kiss him.

Dean wakes up feeling warmth on his lips and tangled to a very familiar trench coat. He would notice it anywhere and who's it is. But he won't say the name out loud. He'll just get up, fold the coat and get upstairs. When he walks by a mirror, he notices that there's a wide smile on his face.

_Fuck work_, he's just going to call himself sick.

There's a note on the fridge. _"Me and Ben went to see my mother for the weekend, you remember. Call in need." _But the one calling for Castiel cannot be found from the Braeden kitchen. And well, Cas is here to get his coat back. Dean probably won't need it any more.

Castiel finds his trench coat from Lisa's and Dean's bedroom. And Dean. Dean, who's holding on of the coat like his whole life depends on it, mumbling Castiel's name like some kind of mantra. "Cas. Cas. _Cas_."

Castiel takes a few steps closer to Dean and leans against the headboard. _Dean, you look so beautiful like this_, but of course Dean would already know that.

"I know you can hear me. I know you were here that one night. You left your trench coat to tell me that. You could hear me. You came to see me. You care."

_Of course I care. Isn't pretty obvious? After everything? _Yes, Castiel will always care.

"You kissed me."

_Yes, I did and I'm sorry for that_, but there's only silence.

"I miss you."

_I miss you too_, but Castiel doesn't say that out loud.

"I miss everything. Hunting. Staying in crappy motels. Researching in a public library. I miss the Impala. I miss Bobby. I miss Sammy so fucking much my heart can barely take it. And I miss you."

There's a tear streaming down Dean's face. And he doesn't loosen his grip of the coat.

"But fuck it. I've already lost everything. You're probably just some where, chilling out on a cloud, maybe some _cloud seeding_, I don't care."

_Oh._

"I mean, I do care, but it's just... You don't need me. You can survive on your own. You... You never really _needed_ me. You're a fucking goddamn_ angel_!"

A bitter laugh follows that. And that's the truth. Castiel really doesn't need Dean. He could leave and return to his old life, as an angel of the Lord, studying humanity from Heaven, fighting the Civil War.

The thing is, he _doesn't_ want to.

"Why the fuck am I rambling like this? Like you would be listening," Dean shrugs and gets up. He puts the trench coat back to the wardrobe and returns to bed. He texts Lisa a good night wish and falls asleep.

Castiel waits for minutes, maybe hours, before he gets his trench coat from the wardrobe. He hates to take it from Dean, his only concrete memory of his past life as a hunter.

He leaves a note on the nightstand.

"_Of course I care. Of course I miss you."_

The leaves have fallen from the trees and it's already cold outside. Winter's making it's coming. Castiel finds Dean reaking leaves, but he seems so far away. Like he really isn't there.

_Dean, come with me, help me defeat Raphael_, is all Cas wants to say. Of course he can't. He knows if he did, Dean would immediately leave Lisa and Ben, the apple pie life he's always been dreaming of, to return to his hunter life, and he would try to find a way to save Sam. Back to saving people hunting things. Back to family business.

Cas doesn't want to bother Dean. He cares too much.

Castiel clenches tight onto his trench coat.

This is the last time Cas will come to see Dean. This is Castiel's crossroad.

_You left him to work with a demon. He's going to hate you for that, you know it. You hope that some day he will understand. That you did it - _all of it _- for him and because of him. _

_Because you care._


End file.
